Attempting Words for the Indescribable

My very first response when they put a 10 second old Angus on my chest was “It’s a human”. You might think that’s a funny response – like I was thinking I might have a pony or something – but up until that point I had only talked about a ‘baby’. It was my spiritual moment of connection with him when instantly I realised that his life was now joining ours in humanity and he had joined us to create family. What a moment.

The labour did a few turns along the way which made the decision to eventually have an epidural an easy one. Angus moved to be in a difficult position, they wanted to speed up the contractions as I was progressing slowly and we knew he was a ‘big unit’. The epidural meant that after 10 hours of contractions I had instantly had no pain and rested peacefully for 5 hours before I had to start pushing. It was none of the trauma I was prepared for. The last few minutes of pulling him out was hard work for my obstetrician. He had both hands on the vacuum and was impressing Michael with his brute strength. I closed my eyes and pushed when they said so.

So, the new Barr family had a few moments together before Angus needed attention by the Paediatrician. Both his lungs had collapsed and his breathing was laboured. We had another minute or so to cuddle and kiss him. He was then in the Neo Natal unit where they put catheters in his sides to drain out the air that had leaked from his lungs to the adjoining cavity. Soon after a special care team came to transfer him to a kids hospital for further treatment. He was there for 24 hours and then back in our hospital for another 24 hours before he was delivered to our room so we could enjoy him all to ourselves. They initially told us he could be in special care in the other hospital for 4 days so we knew we got a toughie when he recovered so quickly. It was instant perspective when we visited Angus in his humidicrib which was parked next to a baby weighing 500g. Angus was born x8 that weight at over 4kgs (close to 9lb I think?).

So, he’s totally wonderful. My favourite moment so far was when he was in special care in the same hospital as us. The nurses called me at 2am to come and feed him which I did. I had only been back in bed for half an hour when they called again to say he was so hungry he was trying to feed from the nurses so come back for another feed. At this point I was feeling the weight of mothering a big Barr boy. I waddled back downstairs and offered him food but he just took a look and fell asleep in my arms. He knew I was his mummy and he didn’t want anything else from me except a cuddle. At that point I was fully besotted.

Since we’ve had him with us we’ve hardly put him down. Michael cuddled him for 3 hours from 3am this morning. Angus is not yet practiced at sleeping horizontally which is Goal of the Week for us!

Michael is a besotted and embracing fatherhood with everything he has. Both boys can't get enough of eachother and Michael has been able to divide his love 100% to me and 100% to Angus. Another amazing capacity birth develops in you.

Before being discharged he had scans on his kidney which we knew from week 20 of pregnancy had an abnormal inflammation. We had a paediatric urologist lined up to operate at 6 months so that the kidney might regain full function. As of the scan yesterday it seems his kidney has rectified itself to the point it is just outside of ‘normal’ dimensions. We are so grateful and relieved.

We arrived home yesterday and I felt like I’d just accepted a new job. No longer was I incubating a baby but I was mother to Angus Barr. At first we thought he looked very Barr but over the last 6 days he’s changed a bit and I think he’s got a good dose of Harris as well. He’s wonderful. We are wonderfully made – I know that full well. Thank you God for humanity and spirituality.